KILROY — Presenter extraordinaire? Renegade politician? Mature woman’s sexy devil? My experience FINAL PART

UPDATE September 2012 — Blazing Embers is NOW Smouldering Embers and will shortly be published by Turquoise Morning Press.

Part Five. Sex and the Over Sixties — Embers Blazing!

 I have gained more memory since writing this and find much has been missed out but it more or less follows this pattern.

I put on my school teacher voice: “It isn’t funny, Robert. Not all women get an orgasm with sex. When we were young we were totally ignorant about sex. Our sex education got no further than a single-celled amoeba that divides itself. That’s how we went into marriage. Totally ignorant.”

“So how long did it take? An hour? Two? A week? Months?” A grin followed while the audience laughed.

I can’t recall exact words and order of them. But I tried to get over the problems of sexually ignorant people coming together in marriage and living busy lives and lacking technique. Problems of when children arrive, including physical ones. It was getting rather personal. (Reader beware! With a good interviewer, it is so easy to get swept along paths you did not intend to take!)

A woman in front interrupted, talking about ignorance and being protected from boys by her father, and the thread was lost.

But Kilroy came back and asked if I agreed that sex improves as we get older.

“Yes, I do.”

The man next to me explained things very nicely. He spoke about what sex is like (from a male point of view) from when men are young and want to get to their destination quickly, because it is all about what is in their trousers. (Laughter), to later years when comes the desire to do things more slowly so there is more time for romance. And having years of experience and plenty of time for preliminaries, with no anxieties about performance, sex is more enjoyable.

There were plenty of interruptions (the woman in front again) and, of course, far more was said during this period and quite likely in different words — it is a long time ago to remember exactly— but that was the gist of it.

Kilroy moved on to plastic surgery. A big issue. The heavily made-up lady who had shared our car to the studio, proudly announced that her husband had bought her a tummy-tuck for her birthday. I wondered what she looked like minus make-up and clothes. Probably quite ordinary. She had plenty of meat on her, tummy-tuck or not, and no doubt a whacking big scar somewhere or other. Did she go to bed dressed up and in make-up? Or was all this expensive treatment just to look good when showing herself to the world? She had already proudly announced that she wore designer clothes and make-up. But that was her choice and there are very many like her. Even primitive peoples beautified themselves with paint and did painful things to their bodies.

Others had undergone surgery, or intended to, and spent a lot on making themselves look good according to their standards. But there were those present who looked better, and more natural, without heavy costs. Why go to great expense? It had already been established that some women there dressed to find sexual partners. A couple appeared to be advertising themselves.

The answer came, in part, from a woman who had clearly been invited because of the expense she had gone to in order to re-invent herself (her words). Clearly she had spent a lot of cash on clothes, make-up, hairdressing and surgery. She refused to give her age but I had to admire her. Even so, there was something about her that did not look real. Somehow she did not look feminine. Her body looked slim but hard. Her breasts looked more like well developed muscles you sometimes see on weight lifters. Her white dress was body hugging and her platinum hair beautifully done, but…

Unfortunately the lady was derided by a few of the people there. I rather think that some of the animosity was because she looked and spoke posh. She had obviously invested many thousands in this re-invented image. If it helped her then that is okay, but how sad that women can be made to feel old and ugly. I blame the media and celebrity hype.

There were men there who thought women should be just natural and that they did not need to dress up or go to all lengths to make themselves sexy. Some women agreed — sexiness comes from within. I said something about some women staying young inside.

I did have other things to say but soon the programme was at an end.

As we were about to leave the studio, most of the women there — young and old — gathered around and wanted to know the title of my book and where they could buy it. After all, apart from the book being quite funny in places, the problems concerning orgasms are not confined to the elderly.

The day following I met a few people in my own home town (where the story is set) who had seen the programme and they too wanted to know where to buy the book. One had gone to our local bookshop to see if it could be ordered. The book was not even in print. I was unable to find a publisher. Some were interested but said it did not fit a genre to suit their readers as the characters were too old.  But since it has been enjoyed by both men and women of all ages, I would dispute this (see other posts on ‘Sex and the Over Sixties’, and ‘Blazing Embers’ and Sex, sex, sex! Over sixties too’). A male oldie said the book had changed his life. And yet my grandchildren enjoyed it too. It partly tells of life years ago as well as problems faced in the present. So I printed it under Magpies Nest Publishing with the pen name of Angela Ashley. It is now available in the USA as Blazing Embers by Gladys Hobson. (see below) Soon it will also be available as an e-book by Mythica Publishing.

If only it had been available then and there!

I sent the manuscript to Simon Powell as he had asked. After a while, and hearing nothing from him, I rang the studio and found that he was no longer there. Shortly after that show he walked out and no one could tell me where he had gone. His secretary returned the manuscript. Ah, who knows what Simon might have done with it? A programme series? I don’t expect I’ll ever know.

Read a couple of chapters at http://www.magpiesnestpublishing.co.uk

You can buy a book there (under pen name, Angela Ashley)

 

 

Kilroy: Part Four. My Embarrassing Moment

An Embarrassing Moment, never to be forgotten.

We were ushered through to the studio and directed to where we were to sit. The benches were in tiers and curved so that we all had a reasonable view of what was going on.

The studio lights were directed on all sitting there and it was difficult to see into the dim space beyond. It is likely that the whole thing was set up to make us feel cut off from the huge studio space and to be a complete social group. The people on the first few rows were obviously grouped in such a manner as to gain some confrontation and provoke comment and argument. The staff who had been talking to groups earlier seemed to be telling individuals what was likely to happen and who would be speaking first, and the probable responses that would come from those with opposing views.

This is an assumption made from snatches of conversation and directed looks. I was not involved and had already been told that Kilroy would speak to me about my book during the show.

We were given instructions to clap and make a vocal welcome when Kilroy appeared coming down the steps, but first he came to speak to us. In the dim part of the studio I had already seen him talking to his team and looking up at the seats. It was too dark down there to see if he was indeed the sun-baked, silver-haired Lothario, scoffers make him out to be. The show had been going for years and no doubt he would know exactly where the initial speakers would be sitting. I wondered how he would remember names. An excellent memory or did he have a prompt somewhere? If he had a tiny receiver in his ear I didn’t see it.

The show was about to start and Kilroy walked over to us. First to have a word to those who were to begin the discussion, then to tell us all what we must not say — anything that might offend viewers or the BBC guidelines, including bad language. He went off but not for long.

Soon came the music, clapping and the usual hubbub that accompanies Robert Kilroy-Silk down the steps to confront the camera and tell the viewers what the show is about. I don’t remember the exact words but something about getting older and still being sexy. I sat wondering how I fitted in with this group made up of women of all ages and a small sprinkling of men. I have never considered myself sexy, not even when I was young. I only wore make-up for special occasions, and now, almost never.

Let battle commence, seemed to be the feeling of the programme right from the beginning. A young lady seemed set on ridiculing those older women who, in her opinion, dressed like teenagers, ladies of the night, or otherwise drew attention to their attributes. I could see she had a point as to the suitability of certain clothes for the older fuller figure: without bras some breasts tend to look like the proverbial two pear drops dropped into a bag, and deep cleavages an invitation to dispose of one’s sweetie papers.

Of course, some women had deliberately dressed as though going to a party or for a drink with friends. But there were those who said they would be quite happy to go shopping in their heavy makeup and, what to me were, bizarre clothes. I thought it all rather jolly that over (well over) sixties felt free to dress as they pleased. Hair pink? Why not? My scalp is pink and plenty of that is showing. Swinging breasts in low-cut dresses? I’ve got the swing but I wish I had the nerve — life would be much more comfortable.. Dressing-up with the intention for one night stands? Their bodies they’re flogging.

In all this Kilroy was most skilful in keeping the talk flowing and switching from argument to a different point of view, or another subject. He already had a good-looking woman picked out to display her choice of clothes and make-up — quietly elegant. She stood up for him and gave a twirl, as did others. In front and to the side of me, a curious man wearing a rather odd hat, turned out to be a fashion designer, and he agreed to ‘dress’ one of the despairing ladies to help her get a companion. Older women and sex came up, and a young person seemed to think oldies should not go out poaching men from them. She seemed to have the idea that sex was only for the young. I detected an element of disgust in the idea that oldies engaged in sex.

The question came up as to whether only the young can possibly have enjoyable sex — or some such. A glance in my direction and before long Kilroy was heading up the steps to stand next to me, microphone at the ready.

“Gladys,” he said. I looked up and smiled nervously.

“You sent me the manuscript of your book, didn’t you?” Kilroy asked, looking first at me and then around his audience, drawing their eyes in my direction.

“Yes.”

“And I said to you, “Cool the sex.”

“Yes.”

I doubt anyone heard me answer because they were all laughing. I tried to keep cool and not show my embarrassment.

“Gladys sent me the manuscript of a book she has written. It’s about a granny who wants sex.”

“Oh no — a granny who wants an orgasm,” I quickly corrected him, but the laughter made it impossible for me to explain further.

“And that isn’t sex?” Kilroy quipped.

“Ho, ho, ho. he, he, he.” The laughter ran around the studio like a man racing for a toilet after being fed a triple dose of laxative chocolate, plus a pint of rough cider after a mayoral banquet!

That is just the beginning of my embarrassment— more to follow. Don’t miss the last bit: Oh, what we authors do to get out book noticed!

Read a couple of chapters at http://www.magpiesnestpublishing.co.uk

PLEASE NOTE: UPDATE SEPT. 2012 BLAZING EMBERS IS NOW SMOULDERING EMBERS AND WILL SHORTLY BE PUBLISHED BY TURQUOISE MORNING PRESS

Kilroy, Part Three — Nervous Expectations

Nervous Expectations

That afternoon we arrived at the station to pick up two tickets. When I arrived home and examined them I found one was for the return journey. I rang up a number that had been given me and found out that only one ticket had been ordered. There seemed to be some confusion, but in the end they said it would be settled on arrival at the studios. Now what? Should I go to London by myself? My husband was not keen as I get blinded by sun and sometimes have problems crossing roads. I said they would likely pay up for his ticket but if they didn’t we would think of it as a day out together. We knew buying a ticket on the train from Cumbria to London at commuter hours would not be cheap. What with the possible cost and venturing into an unknown situation where I could so easily get tongue-tied, I only managed a few hours sleep that night

Sitting on the early morning London train the following morning, I felt a bit better about things. I had convinced myself that this was quite an adventure and a fantastic opportunity to promote my novel. Suppose a publisher happened to see the show and saw the book had great possibilities? Stranger things have happened.

Once at Euston station it was not long before we were picked up along with another invited guest and taken in an eight-seater saloon to the studios. It was during this drive that I discovered the title of the subject under discussion for that day was “I’m still sexy though I’m older.” My heart sank. This was not what I was expecting — no way am I sexy, nor do I try to be. I do not wear makeup, nor dress in revealing clothes. How does my book fit in with the subject? What was I doing there?

Inside the studios we were processed and my husband had his train fare reimbursed, plus a bit of cash for snacks. One of the producers, I think his name was Simon Powell, came along to talk to me. He seemed pleased that I was there and tried to coax my hubby onto the show, but he might as well have tried to get the Duke of Edinburgh on the bench next to me! We talked about my book and he seemed very interested. He asked me if I would send him the manuscript to read because he had a few ideas. Wow, would I? You bet!

A young lady came along and had a go at my husband too. She said he did not have to sit next to me and he did not have to speak, but he would not give way. I don’t blame him, what with the title of the show, and the whole atmosphere of the place, he might have ended up a fall guy.

We were left to have a coffee and sandwiches while produces, or whatever, chatted to a few little groups. Looking around we could see ladies both smart and theatrical looking. Most were heavily made up, some looked as if they were dressed for a party, one looked as though she were about to play in Pantomime. Another lady looked a little like a weight lifter in drag. I wondered what on earth I was doing there.

Then came the call to take our seats in the studio. This was it, and I had yet to meet Robert Kilroy-Silk.

Part Four

My Embarrassing Ordeal comes next. DON”T MISS IT!

Read a couple of chapters at http://www.magpiesnestpublishing.co.uk

 

KILROY. Part Two — Embers Start Blazing

Kilroy advises: “Cool the sex”

As I said in the previous KILROY article, my book Blazing Embers was initially inspired by a Kilroy programme where the older generation discussed their sexual problems with a most sympathetic Robert Kilroy-Silk.

I received further inspiration from a book I found for sale on the shelves of a Country Bookstore in Derbyshire. Here I was to learn about sex, good sex, and superior sex. It seemed to me that most people would benefit from following the simple techniques recommended in this instruction manual, to say nothing of exploring the whole variety of positions — maybe some of the latter not recommended for the less agile. Sudden attacks of cramp are likely to cause yells loud enough to alert neighbours into thinking someone is having a heart attack. Either that, or experiencing orgasmic pleasure to be envied. But once on the trail to better sex, such small setbacks are nothing to worry about and mature couples may well regard them with hilarity. After all, superior sex is looming on the horizon and no pain no gain! Oh yes, this was all good stuff for my book. Or so I thought.

Research for the book also explored various sex aids. I could hardly write about something I had never seen. This was another revelation for an oldie like me. Sending for them was a bit embarrassing but not as much as asking for an erotic magazine off the top shelf of a local newspaper agent. I told the man I wanted to give my hubby a surprise for his birthday! Late night television was a bit of an eye opener too but not enough to keep me awake for long. After all, there is educational sex on many programmes after nine o’clock and sometimes you don’t have to wait that long. Today’s youngsters must be the most sexually educated — mainly by example — in the history of the western world. We oldies are only just catching up.

Having done my research, writing my novel was all consuming. I must admit, fun too. I tried a few agents and publishers with my manuscript and, surprisingly, I did get a few comments, other than the standard variety, from the editors or readers. One said she had enjoyed reading the sample and found it highly amusing, but not the sort of thing they dealt with. A few other agents wrote in a similar vein. It was after setting up Magpies Nest Publishing, so as to publish When Phones Were Immobile And Lived In red Boxes, a book written to raise money for a charity, that we decided to publish my novels too.

Hoping to get some sort of endorsement for my book that I could put on the back cover, I got in touch with Robert Kilroy-Silk. I explained what had inspired me to write this novel and asked if he, or his PA, would read it and give an opinion — also asking for his permission to use his name in my book. I did not really expect a reply, unless a polite way of saying ‘get lost’ but I was wrong. The message duly arrived telling me to send Kilroy the manuscript.

In due course, I received Kilroy’s comments. He said he was flattered at my description of him as the mature woman’s ideal man (or some such) and he also wished me well with the book. His one bit of advice, if indeed it was his advice and not that of his PA, “Cool the sex,” I have to admit, the first drafts of the book did have rather hot sex scenes, so I accepted the suggestion and revised some of the passages, or cut them out altogether. However, there was nothing from Kilroy that could possibly have gone on the back cover. On reflection, perhaps I was wrong about that. Such a statement might well sell books especially if I printed an unexpurgated limited first edition! Alternately, maybe just mentioning the fact that sex scenes had been cooled as per Robert-Kilroy Silk’s advice might draw interest. Right or wrong, I set about making changes.

It was not long after the return of the manuscript that I received a phone call from someone on the Kilroy programme’s team. Whoever had read the manuscript had suggested I should be invited to take part in the show that week. Could I make it to London the following day? For my book’s sake I was most willing. Ah, but they wanted my husband too. Okay so he would accompany me to London, but go on the show? Never! They still wanted me there and said they would look up the train times and that tickets would be waiting for both of us at the booking office.

Part Three —‘My embarrassing ordeal’  — to follow!

Read a couple of chapters at http://www.magpiesnestpublishing.co.uk