Posts Tagged ‘frustration’

Did I switch the light off?

October 4, 2010

Light in the gathering gloom

Did I switch it off?

Did I switch off the light? Turn off the TV ? Turn off the tap?
I know I have a problem when I keep going back to a room to make these checks. Yes, I go back feeling pretty sure I did the right actions. It isn’t just the cost and waste of fuel and water, but just as important are the safety issues. Am I going bonkers is what I ask myself, or have I a hidden anxiety that manifests itself in repetitive actions? Fears of senility?
Well, I don’t think I have dementia. I know the questions asked of dementia patients and I can answer them all. Apart from which, having lived with dementia (my mother suffered from the worst kind and her life was a living hell) I know the signs.
Is it stress? I have to admit, I have been working on the computer doing actions that require more knowledge than I possess. Not having been brought up with computers I don’t understand the language and I tend to work trial and error style. I get shown how to do things but I soon forget again. I have to go over and over to make things sink in.
I recall doing psychology during teacher training and one model was that we build on an already acquired concept. Growth comes with building on that solid foundation. Trouble is, as far as new technology is concerned foundations can change. Even some of the web sites change and grow and I can’t keep up. Or different sites have slightly (or totally) different ways of doing things. AND they will use pale text, sometimes quite small too, for important actions. I get tied in knots.
Governments want everybody to be on the Internet. Impossible. Not just because it does not adequately reach some areas, but many older people do not have the skills and computers are no-go areas. Maybe they do show ancients grinning because of their achievements at getting on line but they are a mere few. Fears of losing money is enough not to get an on-line bank account. Deafness (and foreign and regional accents) are enough to make oldies shudder and cling to their local bank, even if they have to travel to get there. The hole in the wall for doing business may be simple to most, but to some elderly it could well be a hole to lose money in.
So the computer has become important in my life for I am the one in our long partnership to use it. Not just for business and information, but for my writing and books. It has opened up the world to me. And found me new friendships at a time when friends have become thin on the ground. But I admit to getting frustrated and feel like putting the mobile toilet roll holder (it is heavy metal) through the screen. I yell with frustration as my son comes into the house HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! Poor lad!

So that’s one thing that could be making me anxious. I guess there are a number of things though that I can do nothing about. Things I would so much like to help with, but have not the money, the talents, the time or the health to oblige.
It is then I start to look back on my life and wonder if I should have done things differently. Have I wasted my talents? Taken a wrong turning? (That is a constant thought over certain matters that were costly at the time and just as much so in retirement.) But looking back is useless. As the sands run speedily through the hourglass, I am keen to make the most of the present, while being aware of what I leave behind. No, I have no desire to go off on cruises or fly to foreign lands. Maybe I just want to be successful in my own efforts, not be a burden on others and to have the satisfaction of a job well done.
Now then, did I turn that tap off?

Confessions of a frustrated writer

October 3, 2007

I guess the rejection by the Christopher Hill Agency hit me more than I thought it had. I have had time to think — a dangerous practice if you want to keep sane! Maybe talking about it will help — even if no one is listening.

Over six years I have come to expect rejection from agents and publishers but that does not mean it does not hurt. In fact, the more my writing is praised by those who actually read my self-published books and stories, the greater seems to be my frustration at not having it recognised by those who rule the publishing business. No use my saying it does not matter because it obviously does! Why else do I occasionally try to interest those who can get my novels noticed? I have to be honest with myself.

Yes, I write for pleasure and not for fame. And certainly not for money. Self-publishing is okay but the doors are closing for such writers as myself. Friendly bookstores like Ottakar’s are no more. Independent bookshops are closing every day. Books can be bought at incredible prices from cut-price stores and on the internet. Unless I want to spend time and money marketing, on the off-chance that I will sell a few books here and there, the only answer is POD and supply interested friends and family only. Not pushing — I want interested readers not folk who feel sorry for the poor old biddie trying to promote her books! Books are for reading. (Pause for big sigh!)

And yet, who knows what possibilities lie ahead? It only takes a spark to set a forest on fire. Someone somewhere see a possibility of one of my stories becoming popular and give it all they’ve got?

I said to my hubby this morning:
“How about I hold up a bank? I could send out ‘tales of the unexpected’ from my prison cell. Maybe get interviewed by the tabloids, OAP’s with with banners yelling, ‘Free the old biddie! Higher pensions! Down with the rates! Better services! Free books for all!” (Ouch! they are almost that already!)

Golly, it’s ten o’clock and here am I a ‘woman in a dressing-gown’. Get yourself dressed girl and get out! Then get back to that unfinished story!