Posts Tagged ‘humour’

Geoff Nelder’s latest thriller — HOT AIR

December 17, 2010

Geoff Nelder’s HOT AIR — a thriller with a difference!
If you want a thorough professional review of Hot Air I suggest you visit Geoff’s blog or web site.
Geoff Nelder’s blog
Geoff Nelder’s imagination factory

Geoff Nelder signing books at Cheshire Oaks, Borders

Photograph of Geoff Nelder's HOT AIR — action-packed drama from beginning to end!

Here I am writing purely from a reader’s point of view. Well, not exactly a reader, more like a listener of stories. Since my eyesight is not good enough for sustained reading, my hubby reads to me several times a day. This is a totally different experience as, unless the reader performs to professional standards, it is easy for the mind to wander. That is, unless the story is really gripping and both reader and listener are alert to every nuance within the written word.
First, I will say that there is an excellent video trailer on you tube.
Needing no incentive to read the book, I preferred to experience the book first. Others readers may prefer an initial stimulus before purchasing.
The Story:
What seems like a fantastic birthday present — a trip in a hot air balloon with her wimp of a boyfriend — turns into a nightmare when bullets start ripping through their airborne chariot. What had they done to deserve this unscheduled event? Incredibly, they had witnessed nefarious deeds — murder? torture? gang rape? — taking place within a leafy garden in England’s green and pleasant land. Was that a knife glinting in the sun? Erica’s boyfriend Paul is busy with his camera.
Well, whatever is going off, someone is not pleased to have witnesses. From the death of their balloon pilot to the end of the book, murder, torture, mayhem follows Erica around like a whiff of bizarre perfume as she is chased through air, and across land and water — in ever increasing danger of meeting a horrible death. But her feisty spirit never flags. She trusts no one, and, so it appears, rightly so. Her ingenuity and courage are beyond measure. Often stirred but rarely shaken, she battles to escape both evil men and wild waves to make her way to freedom and so expose the murderous gang after her blood.
Who can she turn to? Unfortunately, those who help her tend to come to a sticky-bloody end.
But who is this gangster who saves her life and gets under her skin? What is he really after? Apart from sensuous sex, that is.
Many questions, from beginning to end, keep the reader anxious to know the answers. A good dusting of erotica along the way alleviates some of the chilling horror scenes. Mix with suspense, intrigue, humour, and full-blooded characterization, and you have HOT AIR!
Should this book be made into a film, you’d better grow your nails long — or take sweets to bite into! This really is a Thriller to unnerve even the most hardened of Crime readers!
Hot Air is available in print and as an eBook from Wuacademia. Click here to go direct to the site for info and swift purchase.

We read most of the Thrillers by top authors, Geoff Nelder’s HOT AIR ranks easily among them.

Gladys Hobson

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Short Story — Short Changed by Gladys Hobson

December 6, 2010

Short Changed by Gladys Hobson

A little sweetness is the cause of many a problem


Roger Trumpington, six feet of hefty flesh dressed in corduroy trousers and tweed jacket aromatised with cigars, which might have been pleasant had it not been as stale as the whiskey pong that accompanied it, looked again at the till receipt and counted the change just handed to him. His face turned red with indignation.
“I’ve been short changed,” he said, his whole manner imperious as though talking to a lesser mortal. “I gave you a twenty pound note.”
“I don’t think so, sir,” the girl at the counter said in a trembling voice, in tune with her shaking hands playing a concerto on the counter.
“I should know what I handed over,” Roger stated, snatching out his wallet and searching the note pockets.
He splayed the wallet in front of the shrinking assistant, presently five feet tall but surely not for long. The pathetic creature— skinny limbs protruding from a cherry-red uniform— seemed to be disappearing behind the till, as though it acted as armour to ward off the verbal battering ram.
“Look here, woman —twenty-pound notes only. I had five, now I have four. That is all the money I have on me, plus the change you have just handed me.” A triumphant grunt accompanied the twitching of his shaggy moustache and a straightening of his shoulders. “Now, please hand over the tenner my change is lacking, and we’ll say no more about it.”
“But you only gave me ten pounds, sir.” Her worried face had turned the colour of her uniform hat — white with red blotches. “I put the note with the other tens.” She pressed a key on the till and it sprung open. “You see, there are no twenties with the tens.”
“Clearly you did nothing of the kind. My patience is wearing thin. Hand me the rest of my change at once.” He thumped the desk, causing the till drawer to tremble and rattle the coins.
A nattily dressed, overweight lady, sitting at a close-by table, took out a pen and small notebook from her handbag. Being a reporter on the Hepstone weekly newspaper, and recognising the bullying customer as a newsworthy person, she couldn’t believe her luck. She sipped at her tea and waited for a fracas to develop.
“Can I be of some assistance?” With all the customers’ eyes fixed on the drama taking place at the till counter, the café owner had materialised like a rose-scented genie out of a vodka bottle. She half-staggered to the till desk.
Trumpington visibly relaxed. “Ah, perhaps you will instruct this assistant to give me what is mine. I gave her a twenty pound note, she has given me change for a tenner.”
“But he only gave me ten pounds, Mrs Bradley. I put his note here with the tens. See, there are no twenties here.” The accused rubbed at the tears threatening to stream down her cheeks. “Look for yourself.”
“But are you sure you put the note with the tens, Ethel?”
“Of course. If it had been a twenty I would have put it with the twenties.”
Mrs Bradley smiled sweetly at Trumpington. “It seems there has been a mistake somewhere. It will sort itself out when I count the cash against the receipts this evening. Could I have your phone number please? I will let you know the result tomorrow morning.”
Trumpington’s moustache bristled as anger purpled his cheeks. “Are you doubting my honesty? Outrageous!” His overheated breath, oozing of garlic and Gorgonzola cheese, reached out to embrace all within reach. “Do you know who I am, madam? You happen to be speaking to Roger Trumpington, Lord of Little Kirkstone Manor, and Conservative candidate at the coming election.” Spit glistened on his hirsute upper lip, like beads of dew on a doormat.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, sir. No doubt a mistake has been made.” All of Mrs Bradley’s five feet and six inches of height, stood to attention, uncurling the wrinkles from her smoky-grey dress. But the furrows in her face sharpened with concern. She turned to the shrunken Ethel, now completely hidden from customer view.
“Return the twenty pounds to this customer immediately, Ethel. The meal is on the house.”
“But, Mrs Br—”
“At once. No argument. And please apologise.”
“But—”
“Now.”
“No.”
“What?”
“I said, no. I am not the liar. He only gave me ten pounds.”
A cacophony of voices filled the air:
“Apologise…” Mrs Bradley kept repeating,
“No, never…”
“Monstrous, monstrous…” Trumpington fumed, thumping the desk.
“He’s lying, not me,” Ethel yelled. “He gave me a tenner. He’s lying I tell you.”
“What!” thundered Trumpington; body now shaking with fury, hands whirling, and spit decorating pastries on a nearby stand. “I have never been so insulted in my entire life.”
A waitress muttered, “It was a tenner, I saw it.”
Another waitress, hovering near the scene, obviously heard and yelled above the commotion, “Ethel is innocent. The union will support her.”
Cheering from the customers.
“Quite right,” said one of them, and the reporter secretly made a few more notes, under the cover of her left hand and a red teapot.
Before long the whole room was as noisy as opening time at a Selfridge’s sale.
Mrs Bradley snatched a twenty-pound note from the till and handed it to Trumpington, along with two vouchers for evening meals. “Please accept these, sir, and I’m really sorry for the inconvenience caused you.”
Roger Trumpington cleared his throat noisily. “I was considering taking legal action for slander. I have my good name to consider. However, I will consider this recompense as good as an apology.” He grasped the twenty pound note and vouchers, stuffed them in his jacket pocket and made his way out, to the accompaniment of a few boos from laughing customers.
The lady reporter gave herself a few seconds break to sip her tea. What a scoop!
A voice sounded above the chatter, “Staff, all out.”
Waitresses turned and began their way back to the kitchens.
“No,” shouted Mrs Bradley. “I will personally apologise.” She turned to Ethel. “I’m so sorry, my dear. Of course you are completely innocent of lying, but we cannot afford to upset valued customers.”
“Valued customer? He only had a cup of tea,” said Ethel. “I’ve been slighted. Now everyone will think I’m a liar.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.
“You gave that old geyser twenty quid, plus two free meals,” said the waitress’s union representative, with a menacing look at her employer, “You should do the same for the innocent party. At least fifty pounds is due.”
Mrs Bradley shifted uneasily, as though someone had put ants down her back. She thrust her hand inside the till and pulled out fifty pounds. “Take this, Ethel, and please accept my full apologies for the way you’ve been treated.” She slammed the till shut, her twisted smile doing its best to be pleasant even if the woman inside the dress was as mad as hell.
Ethel sniffed back a tear. “Thank you, Mrs Bradley. I don’t see why that awful man should get away with it, though. You’ve been too generous with him. An apology was all I wanted, but this will come in handy.”
The lady reporter wondered what Solomon would have done in a case like this. A hundred pounds down the drain for Mrs Bradley, and she suspected a few customers had left without paying while the fracas was going on.
“It’s only ten minutes before your shift ends, Ethel,” said Mrs Bradley wearily. “You can go now. I’ll take over the till.”
“Oh, that’s all right, Mrs Bradley. I don’t mind staying.”
“But I mind. Please go now, Ethel.” There was no doubting Mrs Bradley’s determination to exercise her managerial rights. She put her hand on Ethel’s shoulder and guided her towards the kitchen door, then quickly returned to the till in time for a customer about to leave.
“Table number?” she asked with a well-practised smile.
“Sixteen. Cornish tea for two.” The customer, still wearing a dob of cream on her chin, leaned forward. “I really admire the way you handled that business. Poor Ethel, will you give her this tip please?” She put a fiver next to the till. “That chap is a right nasty character, he won’t get my vote.”
“I’m sure he believed he was right. Mr Trumpington is a gentleman after all.”
As the customer left, Mrs Bradley slipped the £5 into the staff box by the till.
The reporter wondered how many more sympathy tips Ethel would receive. If she had given the wrong change to Trumpington she must be a damn good actress, but then she had seen just as good in court. Ethel could have pocketed the missing tenner from the till quite easily. Sham tears? Clearly, Mrs Bradley thought so, or why did she send her off duty? Not that that anyone’s opinion counted. Election time, and in that Labour constituency, the news hounds were after Trumpington’s blood. And she, Georgina Stoke, was no exception. First, finish her tea and then a phone call to Hepstone Manor.

“Is that you, Roger?” It was his wife calling from the kitchen, from which delicious aromas were drifting towards him. “Had a good day?”
Trumpington walked through the hall of his grand Victorian abode, intent on outpouring the humiliation he’d experienced at the café that afternoon. He ignored the pile of correspondence awaiting him on the hallstand.
“Got your letters? You seem to get more every day. Wonderful to be getting so much support. Isn’t it exciting?” Greta, his slim and elegant wife, looked radiant as usual, in spite of the plastic pinny. “Lots of messages on the answer-phone too. One caller wants to interview you about a debacle at some café or other. What on earth is the woman talking about?”
“A reporter? Hell. Surely the local papers haven’t got hold of it?”
“Hold of what?” She waved a large knife, and a salmon had its head chopped off.
“Oo, don’t do that! I think that’s what I’m in for. Do you know, Greta, a damn waitress practically accused me of trying to get money by false pretences.” He walked to the fridge and took out a bottle of white wine, then poured out a large measure into a crystal goblet. “It was most humiliating. The woman is either forgetful or a common thief.”
He sat at the kitchen table and took a large swig of the cooled liquid. The blue LED lights twinkled at him from the black quartz floor, while the white LED ceiling lights flashed lightning-bright sparkles through the goblet of wine. But he was in no mood to enjoy his wife’s delightful renovated kitchen design, even if the oak and granite fittings had cost him a small fortune — hopefully to be recouped once he was in Parliament.
“How do you mean?” Greta asked, before sipping wine from Roger’s glass. “Do you want broccoli or asparagus with the salmon?”
“Never mind vegetables, this is serious.” He waved a hand across his forehead. “I couldn’t let her get away with it. Too much of that sort of thing goes on these days. I gave her a twenty-pound note for a pot of tea. She gave me change for a tenner. I wonder how much the woman makes in a week diddling the customers?”
“A twenty-pound note for a cup of tea?”
“I put all my change in a collection box outside the Town Hall. I have to do what I can for my image. I had a hundred in twenties from the cash machine this morning and I was at the meeting until mid afternoon.”
“How much do you have now? And by the way, didn’t you get that box of chocolates for Mother? It’s her birthday and she’s coming tonight for dinner. Oh, Roger, you promised me you’d get it.”
“Chocolates? Oh yes, I forgot all about the chocolates. Not surprising with the day I’ve had. I must have left them on the back seat of the car.”
“You did get Thorntons, her favourites?”
“Yes, of course, we mustn’t disappoint the old buzzard. It was a £10 box, ready wrapped. I’ll go get it when I’ve finished this.”
“Oh my goodness. Roger, do you realise what you’re saying? You must have had four twenties and a ten when you went in the café. Quickly, have another look.”
First, Roger dabbed at the wine he’d involuntarily slurped over his corduroy trousers. “Damn, they’re ruined… I could swear on the Bible that I gave that woman a twenty.” He pulled his wallet from his jacket pocket.
His wife snatched it off him and counted the notes. “Four, there’s four, Roger.” She hurriedly searched his pockets. “You have another one here, plus a large amount of change. Nearly ten pounds I think.”
“That’s the change for the tea, plus a twenty recompense. Those vouchers were given to me as well.” He put his head in his hands. “Damn… damn… damn.”
“So you must have used the £10 change from the chocolates to pay for your tea, otherwise you would only have three twenties in your wallet… oh, Roger.”
“Oh hell. What should I do, Greta? The till receipts will show they were right. That bloody reporter who rang will make mincemeat of me.”
“Leave it to me. I’ll write a note to the café explaining that you’ve been under a lot of strain lately, and although you had good reason to believe you had proffered a twenty-pound note to pay the bill, on reflection, you may have been mistaken. I’ll put the vouchers and the money in the envelope too, plus an extra twenty for the waitress. I’ll call it a tip. After all you usually do leave a tip when dining out.”
Roger released a heavy pent-up groan and mumbled, “Bloody expensive pot of tea. Go ahead, the sooner the better.”

The next morning, Roger decided to get another box of chocolates, this time for his wife — bless her. Dear Greta had called back the person who’d asked Roger for an interview, telling her the matter had been sorted out, but promising the bloodhound bitch an exclusive videoed dialogue if Roger won the election.
The assistant in the Thorntons shop, a cheerful redhead in a coffee and chocolate uniform, instantly recognised him.
“You came in yesterday: Roger Trumpington, isn’t it?”
“Correct.” His breakfast threatened to join the chocolates on the counter. “I expect you have seen my face on the election posters.”
“Yes, that’s right… and in the papers.”
Roger inwardly groaned.
She gave him a pleasant smile. “Have you called in for the change you left behind yesterday? Here it is. I kept it by the till — a ten-pound note. I thought you might come back for it.”

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1980’s — 2010 Fashionable Jeans? Inspires poetry!

April 21, 2010

In the 1980’s my teenage son was offered £10 (a lot of money in those days) for his tattered old jeans. I had patched them many times but they had got beyond further repair. They were washed out, fraying on all the seams and mainly held together by good will and adoration. He himself had hand-stitched huge godets (upside-down V shaped panels) into the legs to give each hem the width of a skirt, and the weight alone required a firm belt to keep them up! He still treasures those heavy leather belts with their metal buckles. So, long hair, beads, and godets swinging as he walked, with knees pushing through frayed patches, he was a sight to behold. Did he take the £10? Certainly not. They were worth more than money — they were part of his credibility as an up and coming young man to be reckoned with! Fashion (scruffy or not) was part of that credibility.
Nothing has changed.

So, What’s New In Fashion? (poem by Gladys Hobson)

Torn at the knee and frayed at the bum
Zip barely fastened and stuck up with gum
Hems that sag and drag on the ground
Just enough fabric to cover your mound
Studded belt with buckle of steel
To hold up those rags with little revealed.
You think it erotic to bare scruffy knees
Show off your crotch held tight in your jeans
Just leaving enough to catch the eye
While making out you’re incredibly shy?
I’ll tell you, young folks — there’s nothing new
Your parents wore jeans long before you
Back in the eighties when flares were the rage
When drainpipes were out and jeans came of age
All tattered and torn and bleached by the sun
Looking as though shot by a two-barrelled gun.
Yes, and torn off legs for the short-shorts tool
The shorter the better, the golden rule.
Birds to be lured and bucks to snare
With pots of honey in jean-covered ware.

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KILROY — Presenter extraordinaire? Renegade politician? Mature woman’s sexy devil? My experience FINAL PART

April 10, 2009

UPDATE September 2012 — Blazing Embers is NOW Smouldering Embers and will shortly be published by Turquoise Morning Press.

Part Five. Sex and the Over Sixties — Embers Blazing!

 I have gained more memory since writing this and find much has been missed out but it more or less follows this pattern.

I put on my school teacher voice: “It isn’t funny, Robert. Not all women get an orgasm with sex. When we were young we were totally ignorant about sex. Our sex education got no further than a single-celled amoeba that divides itself. That’s how we went into marriage. Totally ignorant.”

“So how long did it take? An hour? Two? A week? Months?” A grin followed while the audience laughed.

I can’t recall exact words and order of them. But I tried to get over the problems of sexually ignorant people coming together in marriage and living busy lives and lacking technique. Problems of when children arrive, including physical ones. It was getting rather personal. (Reader beware! With a good interviewer, it is so easy to get swept along paths you did not intend to take!)

A woman in front interrupted, talking about ignorance and being protected from boys by her father, and the thread was lost.

But Kilroy came back and asked if I agreed that sex improves as we get older.

“Yes, I do.”

The man next to me explained things very nicely. He spoke about what sex is like (from a male point of view) from when men are young and want to get to their destination quickly, because it is all about what is in their trousers. (Laughter), to later years when comes the desire to do things more slowly so there is more time for romance. And having years of experience and plenty of time for preliminaries, with no anxieties about performance, sex is more enjoyable.

There were plenty of interruptions (the woman in front again) and, of course, far more was said during this period and quite likely in different words — it is a long time ago to remember exactly— but that was the gist of it.

Kilroy moved on to plastic surgery. A big issue. The heavily made-up lady who had shared our car to the studio, proudly announced that her husband had bought her a tummy-tuck for her birthday. I wondered what she looked like minus make-up and clothes. Probably quite ordinary. She had plenty of meat on her, tummy-tuck or not, and no doubt a whacking big scar somewhere or other. Did she go to bed dressed up and in make-up? Or was all this expensive treatment just to look good when showing herself to the world? She had already proudly announced that she wore designer clothes and make-up. But that was her choice and there are very many like her. Even primitive peoples beautified themselves with paint and did painful things to their bodies.

Others had undergone surgery, or intended to, and spent a lot on making themselves look good according to their standards. But there were those present who looked better, and more natural, without heavy costs. Why go to great expense? It had already been established that some women there dressed to find sexual partners. A couple appeared to be advertising themselves.

The answer came, in part, from a woman who had clearly been invited because of the expense she had gone to in order to re-invent herself (her words). Clearly she had spent a lot of cash on clothes, make-up, hairdressing and surgery. She refused to give her age but I had to admire her. Even so, there was something about her that did not look real. Somehow she did not look feminine. Her body looked slim but hard. Her breasts looked more like well developed muscles you sometimes see on weight lifters. Her white dress was body hugging and her platinum hair beautifully done, but…

Unfortunately the lady was derided by a few of the people there. I rather think that some of the animosity was because she looked and spoke posh. She had obviously invested many thousands in this re-invented image. If it helped her then that is okay, but how sad that women can be made to feel old and ugly. I blame the media and celebrity hype.

There were men there who thought women should be just natural and that they did not need to dress up or go to all lengths to make themselves sexy. Some women agreed — sexiness comes from within. I said something about some women staying young inside.

I did have other things to say but soon the programme was at an end.

As we were about to leave the studio, most of the women there — young and old — gathered around and wanted to know the title of my book and where they could buy it. After all, apart from the book being quite funny in places, the problems concerning orgasms are not confined to the elderly.

The day following I met a few people in my own home town (where the story is set) who had seen the programme and they too wanted to know where to buy the book. One had gone to our local bookshop to see if it could be ordered. The book was not even in print. I was unable to find a publisher. Some were interested but said it did not fit a genre to suit their readers as the characters were too old.  But since it has been enjoyed by both men and women of all ages, I would dispute this (see other posts on ‘Sex and the Over Sixties’, and ‘Blazing Embers’ and Sex, sex, sex! Over sixties too’). A male oldie said the book had changed his life. And yet my grandchildren enjoyed it too. It partly tells of life years ago as well as problems faced in the present. So I printed it under Magpies Nest Publishing with the pen name of Angela Ashley. It is now available in the USA as Blazing Embers by Gladys Hobson. (see below) Soon it will also be available as an e-book by Mythica Publishing.

If only it had been available then and there!

I sent the manuscript to Simon Powell as he had asked. After a while, and hearing nothing from him, I rang the studio and found that he was no longer there. Shortly after that show he walked out and no one could tell me where he had gone. His secretary returned the manuscript. Ah, who knows what Simon might have done with it? A programme series? I don’t expect I’ll ever know.

Read a couple of chapters at http://www.magpiesnestpublishing.co.uk

You can buy a book there (under pen name, Angela Ashley)

 

 

Still Waters Run Deep, tales of hidden depths

November 20, 2008

COMING SOON!

At last my new book is not only at the the printers, but today we approved the proofs!

Hopefully we will get the books ready for a December launch. At £5.99 it could be a nice little stocking filler, and just the thing to pick up during the long Christmas holiday and read one of the short stories. There is a story to suit every mood. 

 

The tales have Cumbrian settings, although some are imaginary even if based on actual places. Mystery and imagination: humour and horror, love and hate, joy and sorrow, poignancy and lust. Passions run deep wherever you live, and characters may be recognised as someone you know even though they are plucked from my imagination, which has been nurtured by a lifetime of observation of human characteristics — especially those little foibles seldom admitted to.

Each tale has an introduction as to what inspired the story to be written.

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Ulverston… birthplace of Stan Laurel

August 14, 2008

Ulverston… birthplace of Stan Laurel

Ulverston's great hardware store

Ulverston's great hardware store


Want to take a step back in time? Then visit Ulverston’s hardware store on King Street — Smith and Harrison. Not only does that place bring back memories of my youth, but I have found it the friendliest place in town. The TV Two Ronnies sketch involving ‘fork’andles.’ It could have been filmed here!
Take a walk by the Chippy Bank and you come to the Laurel and Hardy Museum — much visited by our American cousins. So far I have not ventured inside. I did not find them funny when I was young but my sister did — she kept digging me in the ribs and telling me to laugh!
Go by the cross on Thursday’s market day and you may see and hear a band play, at least in spring to autumn. Follow the cobbled street, passing by the market stalls and you will come across The Tinners’ Rabbit Bookshop: a quaint old shop full of nooks and crannies, plus a little fireplace with a real fire in winter. (There’s even an armchair to sit in!)
There are plenty of places to visit including a delightful canal that goes nowhere and a lighthouse monument on Hoad Hill — fantastic views across the town, Morecambe Bay, fells and mountains.
Warning! Watch how you walk. Old water-worn paving slabs and cobbles are not meant for stiletto heels!